The life that is

I am unsure where this blog will lead as I am pretty drunk at the moment but whatever,  I guess it could be fun.  Damn I miss having a girlfriend so much... which I know can be interpreted as a pretty pathetic thing to say but.. yeah... it is the truth.  I have no idea how I am still soberr... I have been like this for a few weeks now, no matter how many drinks I have I just cannot get drunk.  Tonight I had at least 6 drinks and at least 10 shots, and these shots where brutal... but nope, nothing, I am now home at 1.30am and I am sober as sober can be.

I was hoping to hit on a chick tonight... I think for a change I was actually making headway... but as my luck would have it it didn't work out in the end as I was hoping to get a lift home wth her but instead I had to stay and look after my cousin (he was severely drunk at the time).  But... yeah... story of my life really, the girl that wasn't to be.

Why do I miss having a girlfriend?  Most people say to me "dude, your 21 years old, you should be enjoying the single life".  To be honest, I am absolutely terrible at the single life. Sigh.  I am just the absolute worst at picking up chicks, I really am.  Basically when I was 16 I got my first girlfriend, we lasted until I was 20 -21.  Having a girlfriend is basically all I know, it is what I grew up with for a good quarter of my life, I never learnt how to be a single man on the hunt like most guys my age.  And while I have been single for a good 8 months or so now, I still haven't been able to adapt to the single life.

I am a fairly good looking guy (well... I think so I guess), I am funny, smart, successful (for my age)... but I dunno, I chat to chicks and I just can't seem to make anything happen.  Sigh.... I dunno, maybe I am just one of those guys that are 'boyfriend only material' and are just not meant to live the 'single life'.  And hell, don't get me wrong, it is not that I don't want to live the single life, far from it, it is one of my biggest fantasties.... but alas, maybe I am just not genetically cut out for it.

But if I am not cut out to be a single man on the prowl, then that must mean I am one of those 'always a boyfriend' kind of guys... but hell I can't even manage to get a girlfriend, not even a date.  Sigh... life goes on as it always has been I guess.

For a while now I have had it in my head that some 'life changing event' will spring into my life and I will from that day forth be a changed, happier man.  It happens in the movies, and I even have proof that it happens in real life (it has happened to friends of mine)... but yeah, I have been waiting for quite a while now and still nothing, so I am starting to think it will happen when I least expect it (which is never), or will just not happen at all (which again, enforces the never aspect).

Maybe I should be just a little more postiive?  When I met my first girlfriend it was completely out of the blue, I really wasn't in the slightest looking for anyone the day I met her... it really was fate.  I guess it can happen again... right?

Sigh... my patience and spirit are wearing thin.  I just want to be happy again...

Esteem

I mentioned in my welcome post that I was going to be completely honest and myself on this blog, so I will abide by that statement.  To cut to the chase, I suffer from extremely low self-esteem lately that I just can't seem to break.  Last night while walking home alone from the city where I was out clubbing with my house mates, I cried my absolute eyes out.

I used to be one of those guys that never cries, years would go by without so much as a tear, yet I have now cried at least 6 times in the last 6 months.

The depression is overwhelming, there are obviously (with last night being a prime example) certain events or triggers that set me off.  Everyday I go through my life with a weight of doubt just lingering inside, swaying like the waves of the sea.  Sometimes the waves are calm, manageable, filling you with a sense of comfort, of peace.

No need to mention what it is like when the waves are rough.

What is my event that often triggers this?  Self image is a big one.  I am 21 years old, pretty fit, and I am in no way ugly, just I dunno... when I go clubbing I just feel so small and out of place when in comparison to all the other guys in the room.  Actually now as I write this, the list is much longer then just one or two primary triggers... although they are all interlocked.  A domino effect.  Self image fuels my doubts of people liking and accepting me.  That then makes me paranoid and nervous when I am around new people (and even old), which probably makes me act a little differently unintentionally.  Actually, not probably, it definitely makes me act a little different unintentionally.  This breeds loneliness as I feel I don't fit in, which then makes me wonder if life will always be this way and I was just not meant to be happy.  Like I was in the old days, when the world made sense...

If I disappeared from the face of the planet, would anyone notice or care?  It is a sad reality when you can't honestly answer with the positive answer you would hope to hear.

Last night was the first time that I have hung out with my house mates outside of our house (I moved in 2 weeks ago).  I sit here this morning tracing back through the memories that I can recall, and wonder if there was any time that I made a fool of myself.  Why do I do this to myself?  It should be, if they like me, cool, if not, oh well it can't be helped.  Sigh, I guess I just want some true friends.

Welcome

Somehow, through the mysterious complexities that is the Internet, you have stumbled across this little space of mine that I hope to call my own. Here, on this blog, I will not hold back, I will not write with others in mind, I will not write in fear of what people might think. I will be completely and unconditionally myself, something I fail to do within my real life.

I actually have another blog, it has been going for some time, but the amount of unpublished posts nearly match the number of published ones. Why don't I publish them? It has nothing to do with the quality of the writing, or if I don't deem it worthy to grace my blog's presence... it has everything to do with the fact that a few people I know in real life read that blog. Because of this, I hold back, never reveal what I really want to say... or more important, what I am really thinking.

So welcome, here you will find just me, crystal clear through and through.

My name is Aaron, I am 21 years old, I live in Australia. Last year was the worst year of my life, but I will save you from that self-loathing tale for another day. As a result of what transpired, I am still a shell of my former self. Paranoid, depressed, erratic, closed. Well on the inside that is. On the outside to those who know me, they see just another young guy trying to make it in the world, I think I play the role so convincingly that they believe that I am actually tackling the world head on and winning. My acting skills really have come into a league of their own these last few months that's for sure.

There is only one person in the world at the moment who knows me the most. Well, not completely know me, not like how I will be on this blog, but far closer then anyone else I know. She adores me so much, to be honest I am not really sure why, but I'm not complaining, it's nice to have a true friend. I would love to open up to her more... but after what happened last year you could say I have some serious trust issues as of late.

People can't hurt you if you don't let them in right?

I am looking forward to this little experiment. It will be nice to be able to post without hesitating at the 'Publish' button thinking 'will they find this funny?' 'does this post sound boring?' 'I wonder what Katie would think if I post this'.

To be truly myself again is something I miss, it gets tiring keeping up the act day in, day out.

My mood lately is highly erratic... one moment I am happy with life, hope fills me as I start to think 'Huh, maybe things aren't so bad after all'... then the next moment I hate it all, I say I am fine when I'm not, and all I want to do is hide away for a while, to drop completely off the face of the Earth, to be completely alone where I'm not being judged, where I can just sit and have myself as my only company.

My mood will come out directly in my writing, which I count as a lucky skill to have. If I am happy, you will be able to tell. Currently... I'm just nothing. Not happy, not sad, just... there.

Enjoy my umbra intus (shadows within)