The life that is

I am unsure where this blog will lead as I am pretty drunk at the moment but whatever,  I guess it could be fun.  Damn I miss having a girlfriend so much... which I know can be interpreted as a pretty pathetic thing to say but.. yeah... it is the truth.  I have no idea how I am still soberr... I have been like this for a few weeks now, no matter how many drinks I have I just cannot get drunk.  Tonight I had at least 6 drinks and at least 10 shots, and these shots where brutal... but nope, nothing, I am now home at 1.30am and I am sober as sober can be.

I was hoping to hit on a chick tonight... I think for a change I was actually making headway... but as my luck would have it it didn't work out in the end as I was hoping to get a lift home wth her but instead I had to stay and look after my cousin (he was severely drunk at the time).  But... yeah... story of my life really, the girl that wasn't to be.

Why do I miss having a girlfriend?  Most people say to me "dude, your 21 years old, you should be enjoying the single life".  To be honest, I am absolutely terrible at the single life. Sigh.  I am just the absolute worst at picking up chicks, I really am.  Basically when I was 16 I got my first girlfriend, we lasted until I was 20 -21.  Having a girlfriend is basically all I know, it is what I grew up with for a good quarter of my life, I never learnt how to be a single man on the hunt like most guys my age.  And while I have been single for a good 8 months or so now, I still haven't been able to adapt to the single life.

I am a fairly good looking guy (well... I think so I guess), I am funny, smart, successful (for my age)... but I dunno, I chat to chicks and I just can't seem to make anything happen.  Sigh.... I dunno, maybe I am just one of those guys that are 'boyfriend only material' and are just not meant to live the 'single life'.  And hell, don't get me wrong, it is not that I don't want to live the single life, far from it, it is one of my biggest fantasties.... but alas, maybe I am just not genetically cut out for it.

But if I am not cut out to be a single man on the prowl, then that must mean I am one of those 'always a boyfriend' kind of guys... but hell I can't even manage to get a girlfriend, not even a date.  Sigh... life goes on as it always has been I guess.

For a while now I have had it in my head that some 'life changing event' will spring into my life and I will from that day forth be a changed, happier man.  It happens in the movies, and I even have proof that it happens in real life (it has happened to friends of mine)... but yeah, I have been waiting for quite a while now and still nothing, so I am starting to think it will happen when I least expect it (which is never), or will just not happen at all (which again, enforces the never aspect).

Maybe I should be just a little more postiive?  When I met my first girlfriend it was completely out of the blue, I really wasn't in the slightest looking for anyone the day I met her... it really was fate.  I guess it can happen again... right?

Sigh... my patience and spirit are wearing thin.  I just want to be happy again...

Esteem

I mentioned in my welcome post that I was going to be completely honest and myself on this blog, so I will abide by that statement.  To cut to the chase, I suffer from extremely low self-esteem lately that I just can't seem to break.  Last night while walking home alone from the city where I was out clubbing with my house mates, I cried my absolute eyes out.

I used to be one of those guys that never cries, years would go by without so much as a tear, yet I have now cried at least 6 times in the last 6 months.

The depression is overwhelming, there are obviously (with last night being a prime example) certain events or triggers that set me off.  Everyday I go through my life with a weight of doubt just lingering inside, swaying like the waves of the sea.  Sometimes the waves are calm, manageable, filling you with a sense of comfort, of peace.

No need to mention what it is like when the waves are rough.

What is my event that often triggers this?  Self image is a big one.  I am 21 years old, pretty fit, and I am in no way ugly, just I dunno... when I go clubbing I just feel so small and out of place when in comparison to all the other guys in the room.  Actually now as I write this, the list is much longer then just one or two primary triggers... although they are all interlocked.  A domino effect.  Self image fuels my doubts of people liking and accepting me.  That then makes me paranoid and nervous when I am around new people (and even old), which probably makes me act a little differently unintentionally.  Actually, not probably, it definitely makes me act a little different unintentionally.  This breeds loneliness as I feel I don't fit in, which then makes me wonder if life will always be this way and I was just not meant to be happy.  Like I was in the old days, when the world made sense...

If I disappeared from the face of the planet, would anyone notice or care?  It is a sad reality when you can't honestly answer with the positive answer you would hope to hear.

Last night was the first time that I have hung out with my house mates outside of our house (I moved in 2 weeks ago).  I sit here this morning tracing back through the memories that I can recall, and wonder if there was any time that I made a fool of myself.  Why do I do this to myself?  It should be, if they like me, cool, if not, oh well it can't be helped.  Sigh, I guess I just want some true friends.