Esteem

I mentioned in my welcome post that I was going to be completely honest and myself on this blog, so I will abide by that statement.  To cut to the chase, I suffer from extremely low self-esteem lately that I just can't seem to break.  Last night while walking home alone from the city where I was out clubbing with my house mates, I cried my absolute eyes out.

I used to be one of those guys that never cries, years would go by without so much as a tear, yet I have now cried at least 6 times in the last 6 months.

The depression is overwhelming, there are obviously (with last night being a prime example) certain events or triggers that set me off.  Everyday I go through my life with a weight of doubt just lingering inside, swaying like the waves of the sea.  Sometimes the waves are calm, manageable, filling you with a sense of comfort, of peace.

No need to mention what it is like when the waves are rough.

What is my event that often triggers this?  Self image is a big one.  I am 21 years old, pretty fit, and I am in no way ugly, just I dunno... when I go clubbing I just feel so small and out of place when in comparison to all the other guys in the room.  Actually now as I write this, the list is much longer then just one or two primary triggers... although they are all interlocked.  A domino effect.  Self image fuels my doubts of people liking and accepting me.  That then makes me paranoid and nervous when I am around new people (and even old), which probably makes me act a little differently unintentionally.  Actually, not probably, it definitely makes me act a little different unintentionally.  This breeds loneliness as I feel I don't fit in, which then makes me wonder if life will always be this way and I was just not meant to be happy.  Like I was in the old days, when the world made sense...

If I disappeared from the face of the planet, would anyone notice or care?  It is a sad reality when you can't honestly answer with the positive answer you would hope to hear.

Last night was the first time that I have hung out with my house mates outside of our house (I moved in 2 weeks ago).  I sit here this morning tracing back through the memories that I can recall, and wonder if there was any time that I made a fool of myself.  Why do I do this to myself?  It should be, if they like me, cool, if not, oh well it can't be helped.  Sigh, I guess I just want some true friends.